6 Month Goals

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Summer. The air gets warmer, the nights get longer, your skin gets tanner--summer is a time of excitement and joy for so many people. And I understand why. The beach is a beautiful place, there's something truly freeing about swimming in the ocean water, school is out, there's time to get a job, more time to hang out with friends, et cetera. But me? Summer has always been my least favorite season. It's the season where all of my self hatred was born. I am completely blinded by images of girls with perfect bodies in bikinis. I hate my body and I am terrified of wearing shorts and tank tops. I refuse to wear a bathing suit, which means sitting on the shore as I watch everyone else have fun in the water. Summer is a time of misery and shame for me, and even now, in late November, the idea of it strikes fear in my heart.

The frustrating thing is, if it weren't for my body image and food issues, I would adore summer. I remember loving summer when I was younger, but by the time I hit fifth grade it became a season of fear and guilt. And I can't tell you how flipping tired I am of being afraid of summer. I haven't enjoyed a summer for years and years, and it is a terrible feeling to see everyone around me loving the season and feeling like I'm trapped in the hell that is my own mind, unable to enjoy such a beautiful time of year. It's sad, honestly. I'm done with being miserable during summer. So I am deciding to make it a goal to enjoy the summer of 2015. That may sound like a cliché goal, but it is an extremely hard feat for me.

Throughout the next 6-7 months, I want to work on loving myself. I want to start taking care of my body - no more self harming, no more restricting, no more binging, no more self destructive, toxic behaviors. I want to nourish my body through the vegan lifestyle. I want to exercise and stay active - not because I want to lose weight, but because it releases endorphins and makes me feel truly happy. I want to start facing my fears and letting go of the insecurities that have controlled me for the past six years. I want to free myself of the chains that bind my mind. I want to be happy - with myself, my surroundings, with everything. I want to have a summer that I can truly enjoy, instead of being consumed in depression and self-hate. I spent the entirety of this past summer (2014) in the hospital. I don't want to do that ever again. I am a lover of the outdoors, of fresh air, of warm weather. I do not want to despise yet another summer. I want to make a change in my life. I want to be able to hike and swim and hang out with friends this summer. I want to enjoy myself, for once.

So this is my goal. I am documenting it here, and I am not going to weasel out of it. I know that his will be one of the hardest things I've done. But it is recovery, and recovery is the most difficult journey I believe I'll ever endure. It's difficult, and I'm going to do it. I'm not saying that I have to be fully recovered in six month's time, because that's unrealistic, and is setting time constraints on myself, which isn't fair. I just want this to be an incentive for me to work as hard as I can at loving myself and taking care of myself, so that I can finally have a summer that I deserve. So that is my goal. There's no going back now.

 

Summer of 2015, I'm coming for you.

 

 

 

 

 

Post-Thanksgiving Struggles

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Thanksgiving

As anyone with an eating disorder or body image issues can tell you, Thanksgiving isn't easy. A whole holiday surrounded by food, the very thing that breeds toxic thoughts in your mind, is absolutely terrifying. Luckily, Thanksgiving day itself was much easier for me than I was expecting. Don't get me wrong--it was still hard, but I was able to get through it. Instead of focusing on how overwhelming the food before me was, I focused on spending time with my friends and family. The people gathered around that dinner table that night are some of my favorite people in the world. Once I started focusing more on what we were talking about as opposed to what we were eating, things got a bit easier. I was able to get through the entire day with only one little meltdown towards the end of the night, which is pretty huge for me. It's good to feel like I made some progress.

But the real struggle for me this holiday was the two days that followed the big feast. With so many leftovers in the house, I felt completely overwhelmed with the amount of food that was around me. I found myself making very bad food choices, choosing to gorge myself on chips, mashed potatoes, and ice cream instead of making healthy, smart choices. This really effected my mood. Not only did I feel disgusting physically, but I was torturing myself mentally. I don't do well when I'm not eating healthily. I shame and beat myself up, and my insecurities are brought to the very front of my mind I can't escape from the bad thoughts, and I feel practically crippled by my emotions. So food wise, these past two days have been pretty rough.

So I decided that tomorrow (Sunday), I'm drawing the line. No more losing control and stuffing myself with food that makes me feel like crap. I'm going to put food into my body that's going to give me the nutrients I need while also filling my stomach. Tomorrow is going to be my first planned vegan day. I've gone a few days where I've eaten mostly vegan, but tomorrow I am consciously deciding to only eat vegan food, which I'm really excited about. I'm going grocery shopping in the morning so that I can stock up on some good food as opposed to the leftovers and junk that is currently filling our household. We hosted Thanksgiving, so unfortunately there are leftovers everywhere. The influx of food didn't stop after the holiday, which has been hard for me. So I plan on getting some more watermelon, some blackberries, maybe a papaya (I've never tried one before but they just look so good!), some mangos, some avocado, and another crate of clementine's. This should be good for the next day or two. I want to make another batch of vegan chickpea salad for dinner, because it's ridiculously easy and ridiculously delicious. I'm going to a Youth Group meeting at my church tomorrow night, and they're having pizza and other junk food, which I don't want at all. So I'm going to eat beforehand instead. Other meals/snacks I plan on having are smoothies, because I'm a smoothie addict, maybe some oatmeal, because I've never tried it before, some carrots and dip, and just plain fruit. It's going to be a good day, and I hope that it gets rid of the gross feeling in my stomach. I'm also going to remember to drink tons of water, because that always makes me feel a lot better.

Other things on my checklist for tomorrow: go to the gym, take Margot for a walk, finish my homework, and clean my room. Sundays are sometimes hard for me, especially after a break, because I often have trouble with the transition from weekend back into school. This oftentimes means that I spend the entire day completely stressed out and anxious, and I end up wasting my entire day and feeling even worse. I want to avoid that for tomorrow.  

Below are some images of vegan food to provide some inspiration.

 

 

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