Life Lately

So I've been a bit absent as of late, and I do apologize for that. Things have been a bit tough this month, and I haven't really been posting anything, aside from tumblr and pinterest. My phone isn't working very well, and it often times refuses to take pictures or do what I want it to do, so I haven't been posting to instagram as much as I would like. To be honest, I haven't really felt inspired either.

So lets give a little backstory, shall we?

So at the beginning of this month (February first, actually), I relapsed with self harm after being almost three months clean. So that sucked. I also made the mistake of trying to keep it a secret from my parents and therapist, which made everything so much worse. I don't really want to go into details, but basically it's been a pretty sucky month. My anxiety has been through the roof and my moods have been all over the place. I did end up telling my parents and therapist about the self harm last week, and my quit date is February 20th. Whereas before I was actively hiding my self harm and not wanting to stop, now I am fighting the urges, and I've gone a week without cutting, which is pretty sweet.

On the trichotillomania side of things, I'm struggling. And it's unfortunately linked to my math class. I am pulling inordinate amounts of hair, the majority of which is done during math class, doing math homework, or thinking about math. I feel such a lack of control over my own body, and it's really been getting me down. We're going to try habit reversal therapy with my therapist, which, if I'm honest, I don't have much hope for, but I'm going to try. It's just so frustrating, because I finally have a full head of hair after being bald for months, and I'm always one step away from completely destroying it. Any bald patches I get are much more hidden, but knowing they're there really upsets me.

That's all I'm going to talk about for now, I have to do homework (math of all things). Have a lovely day, everyone.

Everyday Awards, the Mental Illness Edition

 

I don't need to tell you that recovery is hard. I feel like there's not even an adjective strong enough to describe exactly what it's like. Exhausting. Frustrating. Trying. Discouraging. Recovery is far from a walk in the park. I know that I often get caught up in the things that I used to be able to do and now find difficult, or the things that seem easy but are almost impossible. But we should really be proud of ourselves for all of the simple things we weren't always able to do. You got out of the house today? That's amazing! You couldn't leave your bed today? You're still strong and I'm proud of you. You did something that scares you?  You're a rock star. You were honest about your feelings? I applaud you. You made a proper breakfast this morning? Way to go!

All of these small tasks that other people don't think about are often times a big deal for those of us in recovery. I definitely need to keep reminding myself of this. I'm having trouble coping with school at the moment, and seeing my friends who have their life together and can do everything pretty easily makes me extremely frustrated. I feel inadequate, worthless. But a few months ago I would never have believed that I would be back at my public school. A few months ago I would have never believed that I have hair on my head. Speaking of hair, it's enormous today and I really regret not wearing a headband. It's ridiculous.

My point is, you shouldn't compare your failure to other people's successes. You are your own person, and you have your own battles to fight.  Just because someone else handles a situation seemingly "better" than you do doesn't make them any better a person. Just because you have a panic attack at a movie theatre when your friends are perfectly fine doesn't make you any less of a person. Start praising yourself for the small things. Because they're really not that small.

Helpful Quotes for Recovery

When you're suffering from mental illness and you're feeling perpetually down, it can be hard to find any sort of positivity or inspiration. And when other people try to cheer you up, they tend to say things that do anything but help. We've all been subject to the following (unhelpful) ways that people try to get you to think positivity. 

"Just smile and be happy, life is great!"

"Choose happiness!"

"Be grateful for all that you have. You have a roof over your head, food on the table, and people that love you. Why are you upset?"

"Just focus on the positives, you're too negative."

"Your life is a privilege, you shouldn't waste it by wallowing in self pity."

"But you're so pretty, how could you be depressed?"

The people who are directing these statements towards you are generally trying to help, but for the most part, it doesn't make things better. If anything, it can make things worse. I was writing to a friend who's inpatient right now, and I put together a list of quotes that I think can be helpful for depression/mental illness. I got a few from Beckie0's video, "Helpful Quotes for Depression," which is below.

So, without further ado, here is my list of quotes to help with depression/mental illness!

“Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful parts of us.”

-David Richo

“You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.”

-Shinji Moon

“Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.”

-Nido Qubein

“To keep the body in good health is a duty, otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.”

-Buddha

“And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the wind longs to play with your hair.”

-Khalil Gibran

“I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that—I don’t mind people being happy—but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in the Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down three things that made you happy before you go to sleep” and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching out kids that happiness is the default position. It’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we aught to be striving for, and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain, and then as soon as they experience pain they say, “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like for just a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness.” Ask yourself, “Is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.”

“Only the weak are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong.”

-Leo Buscaglia

“I will endure sadness, for it opens my soul.”

-Og Mandino

“Having a soft heart in a hard world is courage, not weakness. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that kindness and gentleness and acceptance is anything less than scandalously brave.”

Love this one:

“Recovery is a conscious choice. It’s not something brought about by repeat hospital visits and pills and forced therapy sessions. Those things only supplement it. But what recovery really is, is a conscious choice to wake up tomorrow and want to live. It’s a choice to drive across a bridge and not want to jump into the water, but to admire the view.”

“Your heart needs to break open from time to time. It’s how we grow as human beings. If you haven’t had your heart broken open by loss and despaire, if you’ve never truly been in pain, if you haven’t walked through fire and back… You haven’t truly lived. You won’t know what it feels like until you’ve walked out into a ledge called Giving Up, wiggled your toes across the brim, looked down at the infinite fall below, and then, very carefully, taken a step back.”

Rachel Brathen

“When we give up dieting, we take back something we were often too young to know we had given away: our own voice. Our ability to make decisions about what to eat and when. Our belief in ourselves. Our right to decide what goes into our mouths. Unlike the diets that appear monthly in magazines, or the thermal pants that sweat off pounds, unlike a lover or a friend or a car, your body is reliable. It doesn’t go away, get lost, stolen. If you listen, it will speak.”

-Geenen Roth

“There is some good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for.”

-J.R.R Tolkein

“Feel the fear, and do it anyway.”

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope, and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10

“The days you are most uncomfortable are the days you learn the most about yourself.”

-Mary Louise Bean

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

“Never apologize for showing your feelings. When you do, you are apologizing for the truth.”

-Jose N. Harris

“The great glory in living, lies not in never falling, but rising every time we fall.”

-Nelson Mandela

“It is hard to fail, but it is (even) worse never to have tried to succeed.”

-Theodore Roosevelt

“To the world, you may be one person, but to one person, you may be the world.”

-Dr. Suess

“Letting it get to you. You know what that’s called? Being alive. Best thing there is. Being alive right now is all that counts.”

-Matt Smith as the Doctor

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

Albus Dumbledore…. I don’t necessarily agree with this quote but it’s Dumbledore so…

“What’s coming will come and we’ll just have to meet it when it does.”

-JK Rowling

“You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.”

-Mark Twain

“Feet, what do I need you for when I have wings to fly!”

-Frida Kahlo

“I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo; the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end…because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was, when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something, even if you were to small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folks in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.”

-Lord of the Rings

I absolutely adore that last quote, it's so powerful. It may be from Lord of the Rings, but it is so relevant and there is so much truth in it. "They kept going. Because they were holding on to something." It gives me chills. I think it's such an incredible representation of what recovery is. Anyway, this is my list of my favorite quotes, most of which are relevant to recovery. I'm a bit of a quote addict, so I will probably make a second part to this in the future, because words have such a beautiful power that it's hard to explain. Until then, stay strong, keep fighting, and never give up. 

School Anxiety-You're Not Alone

I'm currently sitting in the corner of my school's library, avoiding eye contact and trying to eat my lunch without any of the librarians noticing. But I'm grateful that this isn't like last week's lunch... Sitting in a bathroom stall, trying not to make any noise as groups of friends come in and out of the girl's room, chatting and giggling all the way. Too scared to face the noisy lunchroom, it was much easier to take refuge in the dingy bathroom, just me and a floor full of dust and stray pubes. Glamorous, I know.
This morning during Child Development I found myself completely overwhelmed with anxiety, so I escaped out of the classroom and went to the nurse for a PRN and some quiet time. Sitting by the window in that nurse's office, I had my headphones in. I was listening to a meditation app called Calm, trying to soothe my unrelenting nerves. As my mind wandered away from the guided meditation, I found myself upset over how difficult school is for me.
When you see the movies about high school, it rarely ever portrays what it's like for someone with severe anxiety. How everything is difficult. How you'll spend an entire week worrying about a presentation you have on Friday, and then you'll spend the entire weekend afterwards worrying about how you did. The movies portray easy classes, fun parties, interesting drama--everything that high school is not for a lot of people. But the movies aren't what get me down. It's the fact that everyone else seems to be coping with school just fine. No one else is sitting with me in the nurse's office, knees shaking and heart racing. I don't see everyone else running to the bathroom when the cafeteria is too much, or becoming so overcome with anxiety that I can't answer a teacher's question. I don't hear about other people ruining their weekend because they're worried about the coming school week.
But then again, I don't talk about these things. I don't discuss how much school stresses me out. I don't talk about how I'm close to having a panic attack right now because we're getting our quizzes back next period. And if I'm not talking about it, I doubt the majority of other school anxiety sufferers are talking much either.
So here's a message to all of my fellow anxious students. You are not alone. It may seem like everyone else has their life together, but chances are, they don't. Anxiety rules my life, but most people don't know about it. Chances are, if other people around you are suffering, they're hiding it too. You're not the only one sitting in the bathroom stall, feeling like the walls are closing in around you as you feel a panic attack coming on. You're not the only one who comes home from school and breaks down because it was so overwhelming. You're not the only one who feels like their life is ending because you got something lower than a 90. High school is a terrible experience for people with mental illness. But it's temporary. It feels like it's going to last forever, but it won't. I'm trying to remind myself that. Today I got a bad grade on a test, and I completely broke down. I went to guidance, sobbing and shaking, and I was so embarrassed. I didn't want everyone looking at me, I wanted to shrink into a hole, I wanted to disappear. So I'm trying my very best to remember that a grade is just a grade. It shouldn't dictate my happiness. It shouldn't destroy me like it does. I need to let it roll off my back and just keep walking. I'll let you know how it goes.

Sadness is Like a Blanket

Sometimes sadness approaches you like a soft blanket. It drapes itself across your shoulders, enveloping you in thick wool. It's soft and comfortable for a while, and you're content to curl up under your blanket and rest for a while. But then you start to get a bit hot. You're already wearing sweatpants and a sweater, and the blanket feels like it's starting to suffocate you. Your cheeks turn pink, you feel itchy and uncomfortable, and when you try to pull the blanket off of you, it just gets more tangled around your body. The more you struggle, the tighter it gets. So you just decide to live with it for a while. It's a bit heavy, and it drags on the ground as you walk, but you think you can deal with it.

It's alright at first, but you realize that you're living a bit differently with you blanket on you. You have to stop and rest after doing certain activities because the blanket is weighing down on you, making tasks a bit more tedious and slow. You trip over it as you walk, and eventually mud sticks to the bottom of the blanket, adding more weight to your shoulders. But you keep going, because the blanket is just too difficult to take off.

Soon you feel like people are starting to notice your blanket, notice how you're taking more time to rest and struggling with easy tasks. So now you're starting to become ashamed about the blanket draped around your shoulders, and you begin avoiding things you used to enjoy. You make less and less trips to the grocery store, you start missing school or work, and when your friends invite you out, you decline, too ashamed that they may find out about your blanket, and scared of what it might make you do.

Eventually, your outings become few and far between, and your friends stop asking you to spend time with them. You burrow yourself in your home, surviving off crackers and canned soup. You're feeling more and more miserable every day, and all because of this darn blanket. Now your family members are starting to worry about you. They tell you that they don't see a blanket, and they don't understand why you just can't get over it. You try and explain that this blanket is extremely heavy, hot, and impossible to take off. They tell you that you're just making up excuses. You try to tell them that this blanket is ruining your life, but they just tell you that they have blankets too, and they don't have a problem with taking them off. Soon you stop trying to explain, and they stop trying to help you.

Now your blanket is heavier than ever. You remember when it was light and fluffy, and you were perfectly content to curl up under it. But now it's not soft or warm anymore. It's ripped and covered in dirt, crusted mud, and pointy little objects. The corners have frayed so much that they scrape your skin when you touch them. You can't even stand to look at your blanket, it makes you so upset. But every time you try to take the blanket off, it just twists itself around your torso and refuses to budge.

By now, all you can think about is this blanket. How ugly it is, how much it's ruining your life--this blanket is taking up your every walking moment. Soon you can't find the motivation to leave your room, and you start forgetting how to function normally. You either forget to eat or gorge yourself, and you always forget to shower, because it soaks your blanket and makes everything so much more difficult.

You've started blaming yourself for this blanket, despising yourself for letting it get this far. You fantasize about burning the blanket, and letting the flames surround you and destroy you as well. Everything you do seems to take an enormous amount of effort. Even sitting up is difficult. You just lay in bed, unable to talk, unable to move, just crying into this awful blanket that you just can't get rid of. Life doesn't have much meaning anymore, and all because of a stupid blanket.

 

 Now that's more depression than sadness, but you get the point. We've been having a lot of snow days lately, and they're not doing good things for my depression. I'm trapped inside my house, and I feel so inexplicitly miserable. Everything sets me off, and I can't figure out why. I make my family members upset, and I feel absolutely terrible about myself. Today I spent far too long in my bed, either sleeping or crying, depending on whether or not I was awake. I cannot wait for this day to be over, so I can get to school and do something. I'm hoping that this bout of bad depression is unique to these past few days, but I'm not too sure. Depression is something that's always there, but for me it has dormant periods where it doesn't ruin my life. I'm hoping the dormant period continues

Vegans Indulge Too

 

It's a common misconception that vegan food is gross, flavorless, and hard to find. When many people think of vegan food, images of a smelly health food store comes to mind. It's also widely believed that being vegan is really difficult, and it limits your food options. So I wanted to prove those two misconceptions wrong by showing you what I've been eating as of late. So here it is! 

 

 

Smoothie bowl with kiwi

 

 

vegan burger

 



burrito bowl from chipotle



 

fruit and veggie platter with bread

 

 

smoothie bowl with pineapple

 

 

vegan buffalo pizza

 

vegan lemon fettuccini alfredo

 

 

mango!

 

noodles with fake meat and spinach

 

spinach and strawberry salad

 

 

chickpea avocado salad

 

 

Asian noodle

The Panic Attack Dilema

So I've been aware that I suffer from panic attacks for a little over a year now. But if I really look back, I've been experiencing panic attacks/panic attack like symptoms, for years. Like, since elementary school. It's been a long time. My panic disorder was at its worse for the first six months of 2014. I can't even begin to describe how bad it was. It got to the point where I was having around 10 panic attacks a day, all of which were so severe that I could not leave my room. And that lasted for a fairly long time. There are chunks of 2014 that I simply don't remember because my panic attacks got so bad. It was hell. I was scared to leave my room -- heck, I was scared to leave my bed -- because I was worried that I would have a panic attack. Everywhere I went I would have one, and I mean everywhere. School, grocery stores (it was really bad at grocery stores), movie theatres, the mall--literally everywhere I went I had one. And it crippled me like you wouldn't believe.

My panic attacks vary in severity. A light, mild panic attack usually goes as follows: feeling lightheaded, heart beating very quickly, breathing heavy/unable to catch my breath, feeling very claustrophobic, heightened senses, inability to talk easily, bulging eyes, etc. These mild panic attacks don't usually last very long.  It's hard to tell time during a panic, but they usually lasted anywhere from 2-10 or so minutes. For some people, this is awful. And it is. But when I have mild panic attacks I often feel grateful, or I'll laugh afterwards, because I'm just so happy that I didn't have a severe panic attack. Because when they're severe, they're absolutely awful. Here's a vague idea of what my more severe panic attacks are like: racing heartbeat; hyperventilation; inability to easily control my limbs; intense shaking; limbs moving and contorting uncontrollably; muscles seizing/tensing; crying/screaming; repeating a certain phrase over and over, unable to stop; throat tightening; feeling very disoriented; feeling like the world is closing in all around you; feeling very hot or very cold; body aching all over--the point is, they're terrible. After I have one of these big ones I'm usually so incredibly exhausted that I can't do much more than sleep. It's hard to talk, hard to move, hard to do pretty much anything after one of these. And here's the best part (not): they often happen consecutively. As if a 20 minute unbearable panic attack wasn't enough, they will happen one after another. This hasn't happened that much recently, but I would calm down just enough to stop shaking and feel exhausted before another one would hit me right after. The word horrible just doesn't cover it. So hopefully that little description gave you a little insight as to how awful panic attacks can be. It feels like you're dying--and I mean that literally. During the really bad times, I would pray during my panic attacks that it would just kill me and be done with it. Luckily, it's very rare that you would die of a panic attack, unless you maybe had one in the wrong place and fell off a cliff or something, so rest assured that it can't kill you. Oh, another "type" of panic attack I would have is when I was in public, like in a store, and I felt a strong one coming on, I would do everything I possibly could to resist it, and because of that I would literally collapse. I wouldn't be able to hold myself up, talk, or sometimes open my eyes. That happened a lot last spring when I would go grocery shopping with my mom, and she'd have to hold me up as I leaned against the cart--it was embarrassing and frustrating, but I haven't experienced that in months.

Anyway, there's a reason I'm telling you all about my panic attacks. So around October time I accepted that I might have panic attacks for the rest of my life. I accepted that they would happen, that I can't control them, and that I'll just have to live with them. And once I accepted that, my panic attacks got immeasurably better. I would have one a week, and sometimes even less than that. It was amazing. And the very severe panic attacks I discussed earlier were not nearly as frequent. They soon became few and far between. I can't tell you how great that was. A long while ago, when my panic attacks became more and more frequent, and I eventually had them about once a week, I was devastated, and felt handicapped. Now, I feel free. Or I did.

This past week, I've had several panic attacks. A couple of them were mild and easy, and I would get over them by myself in my room, and it wasn't a big deal. But I've had two enormous, awful panic attacks in the past week. The first one was on Wednesday, Feb. 4th. And it scared me. It had been over a month since I had a serious one, my last severe panic attack up to that date was on Christmas (of all days). I was on a good streak, and I think the combination of the panic attack and the anxiety over school this week combined, and I was scared. The next night I found it very difficult to fall asleep because I was just so terrified of having another panic attack. I just curled up in a ball in my bed, shaking in fear of having a panic attack. Now, getting into the cycle of having panic attack after panic attack, every single day requires a key element. Fear. Fear of the next panic attack, avoiding going certain places or doing certain things in fear of having another panic--this is what makes panic attacks so debilitating. So not only was I scared of having a panic attack, I was scared about the fact that I was scared of having another panic attack. Because I knew that that fear has the power to make my life so much worse. My fear persisted through Friday (yesterday), and sure enough, last night I had another terrible panic attack. It was bad, and it got to the point where my mom had to physically restrain me to stop me from hitting myself or hurting myself, simply because I couldn't control my limbs. Not cute, I know. So having another awful panic attack within a two day radius of the last one did not help my anxieties. In fact, I'm sitting here tearing out my hair between sentences because of it.

I know that I need to get rid of my fear of having a panic attack. I know that acceptance is what makes them go away, and that the "I don't want to do X because I might have one" mentality is only going to get me in trouble. But I'm still worrying about it. I'm still fretting about school and having one there. And I'm not really sure what to do.

Balls and Tangles

So fidget toys are a big part of coping with trichotillomania, so I figured I'd talk about two of my favorite ways to keep my hands busy. Pictured above are my Chinese balls (tee hee). They're heavy and smooth, and they each have a little bell inside of them, one higher than the other. You roll them around in one hand, and they make a beautiful noise. It also feels quite lovely in your hands, which is a plus. They're not really suitable for school or work, as the noise can be a bit distracting. But they're great for at home. I tend to pull when I'm reading or writing, so I play with these in one hand, and write or turn the pages with the other hand so that I can't pull. It doesn't make the urges go away, but it works pretty well

The next one is something that most trichsters have probably heard of/own. Tangles. They're plastic fidget toys that are really interesting and fun to play with in your hand. They're smooth or textured. and are good for keeping your hands busy. They come apart, they twirl around, they're just good, well rounded fidget toys. These are pretty good for being in public. The only problem I have is at school, or with groups of people, because tangles are brightly colored and catch people's eyes. Then everyone else wants a turn to play with it, and the next thing you know everyone else is using the tangle and your hands aren't occupied. I've taken to carrying two tangles with me for this very reason.

 

There are plenty of other ways to keep your hands busy (silly putty, spinner rings, etc.), but these are the two I wanted to talk about today. Good luck to my fellow trichsters.

The Ear Incentive

 

So my mom made a very lovely deal with me concerning school. One big aspect of me attending public school is that I cannot miss school, even if I'm having a really rough time mental health wise. I need to power through whatever it is and get to school, because missing school can become a very bad habit for someone struggling with mental illness. In February of last year I had to stop attending school altogether because of my mental health. Now, I'm at a very different point today than I was a year ago, so it won't be the same sort of issue. But attendance is still something we're going to keep an eye on. Along with attendance is the way I deal with certain situations. I need to use my wise mind and look at things reasonably and deal with situations the best way I can.

So my mom promised me that, if I can get through this first full week of school, I can get my ears pierced again. I already have my regular first lobe piercing, my helix on my left side, and my nose pierced. What I'd like to get now is a second hole on both sides, and a third hole on my right side. I've wanted this for a while, and I think that this is a pretty fair incentive/deal. Despite my general goody two shoes persona, I absolutely adore piercings, tattoos, and brightly colored hair. If it weren't for trich, my long curls would probably be a faded pastel blue or a silvery purple. And I'm pretty sure I'll have at lease three tattoos by the time I'm 25. But I'll talk about tattoos and colorful hair another time. The two pictures below and the one above are inspiration for my triple lobe piercing on my right side. 

 

 

The other piercing that I'm yearning for is the forward helix, pictured below. I don't think I'll get that anytime soon, but I absolutely adore it. I would either get two or three piercings in that place, and it's going to look amazing. Maybe I'll get it in the next year, maybe it'll be longer. But it's definitely on my list. Maybe this can be a little birthday present from myself when I turn seventeen. I'll have worked two jobs by then so I should have the money (right now I'm pretty much broke so I'm looking forward to working). Anyway, I'll be dreaming about this forward helix, especially the one pictured below. The circular stud paired with the teardrop one is so elegant and I love it.

 

 

 

That's all I'm going to waffle about today, I'll definitely talk more about piercings, tattoos, and things in that realm in the future. Until then, have a lovely day.