The Dreaded Future

If you know me, you'll know that I am one of the most anxious people in the world. I get really upset and anxious about so many things -- phone calls, movie theaters, social situations, getting dressed, eating, texting people, being driven in a car by someone I don't know, trying on clothes, cereal, talking in front of people, being the center of attention, too many people looking at me, my hair, my body -- the list can literally go on forever. But there's one thing that stands out that makes me nuts. The future. I can't tell you how many panic attacks I've had thinking about the future, whether the future is just the next day or ten years down the road. I have a lot of trouble trying to figure out who I am, and trying not to hide the my feelings and opinions. All I've ever done in life is try to please people. I got straight As, high and distinguished honors, played varsity sports, did all the  extra-cirriculars, basically drove myself crazy over getting into college. Now that I'm at a school that doesn't have very good academics, those anxieties have been spiraling out of control. I don't know what to do.

My entire life people tend to tell me what I should do. "You should be a lawyer," countless people have told me. "You're going to be so successful." "You can get into any college you like." "I wouldn't be surprised if you write a book someday." All of these comments that most people would classify as complements absolutely terrify me. Because when people say these things, I automatically decide that I have to do everything that others expect of me, and if I do anything less, I'm a failure. 

This mentality has ruined me in so many ways, and still continues to haunt me. I stress about being rejected by every college I apply to, getting stuck in a dead end job that I hate, living alone for the rest of my life and never having a partner, living my whole life deep in depression until I die--these are a tiny percentage of thoughts that swirl around my head concerning the future. It drives me insane. I'm honestly shaking and restless just writing about it. 

Because of this awful mentality I have, I have barely ever done anything because I want to do it. I assume that I have to make it my life goal to be better than so and so, to live up to these awful expectations that everyone makes about me. Because when I think about what I really want to do, I don't see myself as a lawyer or a college professor. I see myself working with nature and animals, teaching yoga, and maybe being a freelance photographer. Not exactly jobs that you automatically associate "intelligence" with. So I've never even considered these things as an option because it's not some sort of super competitive, crazy stressful job that people say "wow" about. 

But you know what, I'm don't want to give a rat's fart about making other people say "wow" about some career that will probably end up driving me crazy anyway. I'd much rather create "wows" when I show a group of people a beautiful mountain range, or put a baby animal in their arms. I'd much rather someone say "wow" because they can finally do something that they never thought they could do, or because they see how beautiful they are in a photograph that captures their essence. I don't want people to say "wow, you're a lawyer" I want people to say "wow, you're your own person, and I really look up to you." I don't want my wows to be a job title or an award. I want it to just be myself. That's how I want my future to go. 

Yet as much as I want things to be like this, I just can't shake this horrible, hyper-competative, anxiety producing mindset that I've been stuck in for years. I try so hard, and it feels like none of my hard work is rewarded. It makes me so frustrated, and you guessed it, it makes me super anxious

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I just want to live a life where I'm not worried about every little thing I do, every word I say, every move I make. I don't want to try and mold myself into this person I'm not. I want to do what I'm passionate about, not what other people will be impressed by, or what would make me a ton of money. I just want to be myself, and I want to be okay with being myself. 

I say this, but I am so far away from reaching this goal. I pray that I will accomplish it sometime in the next five years, or I'm not sure what I'll do. 

How Yoga Saves

For the past few days I've been feeling really down. 

I've been so crippled and debilitated by self-hatred and anxiety that I've just become so unhappy. Today was no better, and I came home from school upset and feeling really low. But I had already planned to go to yoga, and despite the rain, gloomy weather, and my sour mood I went. 

And thank goodness I did. 

It's hard to describe how powerful a good yoga class is to someone who's never experienced one. I went into the studio feeling anxious, self conscious, and fairly miserable. By the time I walked out the door, I had a smile on my face and I felt so incredibly centered and just happy. 

The class was absolutely beautiful. I had never attended a class by this teacher, so I didn't know what to expect. All the other teachers I've had (which is only 3) have been young and had more upbeat classes. This teacher, however, was calm and stoic, and she just radiated peace and quiet. She pushed me until I was dripping with sweat, shaking, and falling over, and it was lovely. Then she finished the class with a 15 minute savasana, which anyone who goes to yoga will tell you is absolute bliss. The class ended a while ago, and I still feel so centered and grounded it's amazing. 

The feeling after a yoga class is one that's hard to describe, because you just spent an hour struggling and sweating, bending and falling over, but then it's paired with deep breathing and peace, which is a wonderful combination. The longer you're in savasana, the heavier your body seems to get, until you feel like you're melting into the ground. And then when you get up after the class is over, it feels almost like you're swimming through the air, but in the best possible way. 

This yoga class was exactly what I needed, because I've been spending so much time fixated on what my body looks like and how unhappy I am that it was consuming my every waking moment. And that's not what yoga is about. Yoga is not about how you look--it's not even about how well you do each of the poses or sequences. Yoga is about how you feel, the harmony between your body and mind. It accesses this part of you that's beyond your physicalities and even your thoughts. It may sound cheesy, but it's almost like you are spending time with your soul, and that's beautiful. 

I wish I could have recorded everything the teacher said, because so many different things resonated with me so strongly. One thing she said (although she worded it a bit differently) was that we should let our practice spill from the class into our day, and into our life. This reminds me of someone I've found through the internet, Jen Converso (I'll put her links below), who created and tracks the hashtags #liveyouryoga. Because yoga is more than just what you do on the mat. Yoga is a lifestyle, and something that can be applied to all aspects of your life. 

I know it'll be a long time from now, but I can't wait until I can be a yoga teacher so that I can share this experience with others. ☯ ॐ❂

Jen Converso-

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Trapped

I can't even begin to tell you how tired I am of hating myself.

I've hated myself for as long as I can remember, and it's made me completely miserable. And I desperately want to love myself, I truly do, but how can I? How can I love this fat, disgusting mess I call my body? How can I love myself while I look and act like I do? I wish I could love myself the way I am, but I just don't feel like that's realistic. What I've always--always--hated about myself is my weight. As long as I can remember. So is it that unreasonable for me to believe that I'll start to like myself a bit more if I lost weight? It makes sense in my mind. I get the whole concept of loving yourself for how you are, and I want to live in the present moment, but I've been trying for years to even begin to like myself, and absolutely nothing has worked. I just find myself trapped in front of the mirror, picking myself apart, despising myself until I'm in tears. I don't want it to be this way - that's one of the most frustrating parts about it. If loving myself were simply a choice, I would choose it in a heartbeat. But it doesn't work like that. I have to do a hell of a lot of work to even start to not hate myself, and that's not even close to loving myself.

But I can't help but believe that if I were thin and fit, I wouldn't hate myself the way I do now. I don't need to be some sort of super slim model, but I don't want to stick out like a sore thumb in the sea of thin, beautiful girls. I hate it. I hate going out in public and comparing myself to every girl I see, screaming at myself, reminding myself how ugly and incompetent I am. It's awful, it's so awful.

In many ways I am on my way to self-love, as I am truly doing a lot to try and help myself. I'm starting to do yoga again, which I love, I'm going for more walks, I'm eating good food, I'm self-soothing and being kinder to myself, I'm working hard in therapy, I'm not self-harming or restricting anymore -- there's a lot of good in all of this bad. But despite all of this work, I continue to despise this body I'm trapped inside of. I feel like the way I look doesn't reflect who I am at all. I'm bald when I used to have long, gorgeous curls, I'm chubby when I used to be slimmer, I'm not as muscular and strong as I used to be--I'm trapped inside of this body and I can't get out. I'm hoping that with my work with the nutritionist I'll be able to lose some weight and things will get better. I'm praying for that. If I can just use a pound a week, for the next few months I'll be happy. I'm willing to do the work, I just need some sort of guideline. Give me a workout plan and I'll do it. I just have a lot of trouble getting myself to do these things for myself. I can do it for other people, but I'm just so embarrassed of who I am I feel like I can't do it for myself. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's how I feel.

I don't want to be in this wretched body anymore. I don't think I can stand it. This is a really negative post, but it's honest. I/'m panicking over the fact that I'm trapped inside this body and I can't get out. It feels like nothing will ever get better in this respect. I've hated myself for the majority of my life, who's to say that it's ever going to change?

6 Month Goals

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Summer. The air gets warmer, the nights get longer, your skin gets tanner--summer is a time of excitement and joy for so many people. And I understand why. The beach is a beautiful place, there's something truly freeing about swimming in the ocean water, school is out, there's time to get a job, more time to hang out with friends, et cetera. But me? Summer has always been my least favorite season. It's the season where all of my self hatred was born. I am completely blinded by images of girls with perfect bodies in bikinis. I hate my body and I am terrified of wearing shorts and tank tops. I refuse to wear a bathing suit, which means sitting on the shore as I watch everyone else have fun in the water. Summer is a time of misery and shame for me, and even now, in late November, the idea of it strikes fear in my heart.

The frustrating thing is, if it weren't for my body image and food issues, I would adore summer. I remember loving summer when I was younger, but by the time I hit fifth grade it became a season of fear and guilt. And I can't tell you how flipping tired I am of being afraid of summer. I haven't enjoyed a summer for years and years, and it is a terrible feeling to see everyone around me loving the season and feeling like I'm trapped in the hell that is my own mind, unable to enjoy such a beautiful time of year. It's sad, honestly. I'm done with being miserable during summer. So I am deciding to make it a goal to enjoy the summer of 2015. That may sound like a cliché goal, but it is an extremely hard feat for me.

Throughout the next 6-7 months, I want to work on loving myself. I want to start taking care of my body - no more self harming, no more restricting, no more binging, no more self destructive, toxic behaviors. I want to nourish my body through the vegan lifestyle. I want to exercise and stay active - not because I want to lose weight, but because it releases endorphins and makes me feel truly happy. I want to start facing my fears and letting go of the insecurities that have controlled me for the past six years. I want to free myself of the chains that bind my mind. I want to be happy - with myself, my surroundings, with everything. I want to have a summer that I can truly enjoy, instead of being consumed in depression and self-hate. I spent the entirety of this past summer (2014) in the hospital. I don't want to do that ever again. I am a lover of the outdoors, of fresh air, of warm weather. I do not want to despise yet another summer. I want to make a change in my life. I want to be able to hike and swim and hang out with friends this summer. I want to enjoy myself, for once.

So this is my goal. I am documenting it here, and I am not going to weasel out of it. I know that his will be one of the hardest things I've done. But it is recovery, and recovery is the most difficult journey I believe I'll ever endure. It's difficult, and I'm going to do it. I'm not saying that I have to be fully recovered in six month's time, because that's unrealistic, and is setting time constraints on myself, which isn't fair. I just want this to be an incentive for me to work as hard as I can at loving myself and taking care of myself, so that I can finally have a summer that I deserve. So that is my goal. There's no going back now.

 

Summer of 2015, I'm coming for you.

 

 

 

 

 

Post-Thanksgiving Struggles

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Thanksgiving

As anyone with an eating disorder or body image issues can tell you, Thanksgiving isn't easy. A whole holiday surrounded by food, the very thing that breeds toxic thoughts in your mind, is absolutely terrifying. Luckily, Thanksgiving day itself was much easier for me than I was expecting. Don't get me wrong--it was still hard, but I was able to get through it. Instead of focusing on how overwhelming the food before me was, I focused on spending time with my friends and family. The people gathered around that dinner table that night are some of my favorite people in the world. Once I started focusing more on what we were talking about as opposed to what we were eating, things got a bit easier. I was able to get through the entire day with only one little meltdown towards the end of the night, which is pretty huge for me. It's good to feel like I made some progress.

But the real struggle for me this holiday was the two days that followed the big feast. With so many leftovers in the house, I felt completely overwhelmed with the amount of food that was around me. I found myself making very bad food choices, choosing to gorge myself on chips, mashed potatoes, and ice cream instead of making healthy, smart choices. This really effected my mood. Not only did I feel disgusting physically, but I was torturing myself mentally. I don't do well when I'm not eating healthily. I shame and beat myself up, and my insecurities are brought to the very front of my mind I can't escape from the bad thoughts, and I feel practically crippled by my emotions. So food wise, these past two days have been pretty rough.

So I decided that tomorrow (Sunday), I'm drawing the line. No more losing control and stuffing myself with food that makes me feel like crap. I'm going to put food into my body that's going to give me the nutrients I need while also filling my stomach. Tomorrow is going to be my first planned vegan day. I've gone a few days where I've eaten mostly vegan, but tomorrow I am consciously deciding to only eat vegan food, which I'm really excited about. I'm going grocery shopping in the morning so that I can stock up on some good food as opposed to the leftovers and junk that is currently filling our household. We hosted Thanksgiving, so unfortunately there are leftovers everywhere. The influx of food didn't stop after the holiday, which has been hard for me. So I plan on getting some more watermelon, some blackberries, maybe a papaya (I've never tried one before but they just look so good!), some mangos, some avocado, and another crate of clementine's. This should be good for the next day or two. I want to make another batch of vegan chickpea salad for dinner, because it's ridiculously easy and ridiculously delicious. I'm going to a Youth Group meeting at my church tomorrow night, and they're having pizza and other junk food, which I don't want at all. So I'm going to eat beforehand instead. Other meals/snacks I plan on having are smoothies, because I'm a smoothie addict, maybe some oatmeal, because I've never tried it before, some carrots and dip, and just plain fruit. It's going to be a good day, and I hope that it gets rid of the gross feeling in my stomach. I'm also going to remember to drink tons of water, because that always makes me feel a lot better.

Other things on my checklist for tomorrow: go to the gym, take Margot for a walk, finish my homework, and clean my room. Sundays are sometimes hard for me, especially after a break, because I often have trouble with the transition from weekend back into school. This oftentimes means that I spend the entire day completely stressed out and anxious, and I end up wasting my entire day and feeling even worse. I want to avoid that for tomorrow.  

Below are some images of vegan food to provide some inspiration.

 

 

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