Summer. The air gets warmer, the nights get longer, your skin gets tanner--summer is a time of excitement and joy for so many people. And I understand why. The beach is a beautiful place, there's something truly freeing about swimming in the ocean water, school is out, there's time to get a job, more time to hang out with friends, et cetera. But me? Summer has always been my least favorite season. It's the season where all of my self hatred was born. I am completely blinded by images of girls with perfect bodies in bikinis. I hate my body and I am terrified of wearing shorts and tank tops. I refuse to wear a bathing suit, which means sitting on the shore as I watch everyone else have fun in the water. Summer is a time of misery and shame for me, and even now, in late November, the idea of it strikes fear in my heart.
The frustrating thing is, if it weren't for my body image and food issues, I would adore summer. I remember loving summer when I was younger, but by the time I hit fifth grade it became a season of fear and guilt. And I can't tell you how flipping tired I am of being afraid of summer. I haven't enjoyed a summer for years and years, and it is a terrible feeling to see everyone around me loving the season and feeling like I'm trapped in the hell that is my own mind, unable to enjoy such a beautiful time of year. It's sad, honestly. I'm done with being miserable during summer. So I am deciding to make it a goal to enjoy the summer of 2015. That may sound like a cliché goal, but it is an extremely hard feat for me.
Throughout the next 6-7 months, I want to work on loving myself. I want to start taking care of my body - no more self harming, no more restricting, no more binging, no more self destructive, toxic behaviors. I want to nourish my body through the vegan lifestyle. I want to exercise and stay active - not because I want to lose weight, but because it releases endorphins and makes me feel truly happy. I want to start facing my fears and letting go of the insecurities that have controlled me for the past six years. I want to free myself of the chains that bind my mind. I want to be happy - with myself, my surroundings, with everything. I want to have a summer that I can truly enjoy, instead of being consumed in depression and self-hate. I spent the entirety of this past summer (2014) in the hospital. I don't want to do that ever again. I am a lover of the outdoors, of fresh air, of warm weather. I do not want to despise yet another summer. I want to make a change in my life. I want to be able to hike and swim and hang out with friends this summer. I want to enjoy myself, for once.
So this is my goal. I am documenting it here, and I am not going to weasel out of it. I know that his will be one of the hardest things I've done. But it is recovery, and recovery is the most difficult journey I believe I'll ever endure. It's difficult, and I'm going to do it. I'm not saying that I have to be fully recovered in six month's time, because that's unrealistic, and is setting time constraints on myself, which isn't fair. I just want this to be an incentive for me to work as hard as I can at loving myself and taking care of myself, so that I can finally have a summer that I deserve. So that is my goal. There's no going back now.
Summer of 2015, I'm coming for you.
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