If you know me, you'll know that I am one of the most anxious people in the world. I get really upset and anxious about so many things -- phone calls, movie theaters, social situations, getting dressed, eating, texting people, being driven in a car by someone I don't know, trying on clothes, cereal, talking in front of people, being the center of attention, too many people looking at me, my hair, my body -- the list can literally go on forever. But there's one thing that stands out that makes me nuts. The future. I can't tell you how many panic attacks I've had thinking about the future, whether the future is just the next day or ten years down the road. I have a lot of trouble trying to figure out who I am, and trying not to hide the my feelings and opinions. All I've ever done in life is try to please people. I got straight As, high and distinguished honors, played varsity sports, did all the extra-cirriculars, basically drove myself crazy over getting into college. Now that I'm at a school that doesn't have very good academics, those anxieties have been spiraling out of control. I don't know what to do.
My entire life people tend to tell me what I should do. "You should be a lawyer," countless people have told me. "You're going to be so successful." "You can get into any college you like." "I wouldn't be surprised if you write a book someday." All of these comments that most people would classify as complements absolutely terrify me. Because when people say these things, I automatically decide that I have to do everything that others expect of me, and if I do anything less, I'm a failure.
This mentality has ruined me in so many ways, and still continues to haunt me. I stress about being rejected by every college I apply to, getting stuck in a dead end job that I hate, living alone for the rest of my life and never having a partner, living my whole life deep in depression until I die--these are a tiny percentage of thoughts that swirl around my head concerning the future. It drives me insane. I'm honestly shaking and restless just writing about it.
Because of this awful mentality I have, I have barely ever done anything because I want to do it. I assume that I have to make it my life goal to be better than so and so, to live up to these awful expectations that everyone makes about me. Because when I think about what I really want to do, I don't see myself as a lawyer or a college professor. I see myself working with nature and animals, teaching yoga, and maybe being a freelance photographer. Not exactly jobs that you automatically associate "intelligence" with. So I've never even considered these things as an option because it's not some sort of super competitive, crazy stressful job that people say "wow" about.
But you know what, I'm don't want to give a rat's fart about making other people say "wow" about some career that will probably end up driving me crazy anyway. I'd much rather create "wows" when I show a group of people a beautiful mountain range, or put a baby animal in their arms. I'd much rather someone say "wow" because they can finally do something that they never thought they could do, or because they see how beautiful they are in a photograph that captures their essence. I don't want people to say "wow, you're a lawyer" I want people to say "wow, you're your own person, and I really look up to you." I don't want my wows to be a job title or an award. I want it to just be myself. That's how I want my future to go.
Yet as much as I want things to be like this, I just can't shake this horrible, hyper-competative, anxiety producing mindset that I've been stuck in for years. I try so hard, and it feels like none of my hard work is rewarded. It makes me so frustrated, and you guessed it, it makes me super anxious
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I just want to live a life where I'm not worried about every little thing I do, every word I say, every move I make. I don't want to try and mold myself into this person I'm not. I want to do what I'm passionate about, not what other people will be impressed by, or what would make me a ton of money. I just want to be myself, and I want to be okay with being myself.
I say this, but I am so far away from reaching this goal. I pray that I will accomplish it sometime in the next five years, or I'm not sure what I'll do.
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