Trapped

I can't even begin to tell you how tired I am of hating myself.

I've hated myself for as long as I can remember, and it's made me completely miserable. And I desperately want to love myself, I truly do, but how can I? How can I love this fat, disgusting mess I call my body? How can I love myself while I look and act like I do? I wish I could love myself the way I am, but I just don't feel like that's realistic. What I've always--always--hated about myself is my weight. As long as I can remember. So is it that unreasonable for me to believe that I'll start to like myself a bit more if I lost weight? It makes sense in my mind. I get the whole concept of loving yourself for how you are, and I want to live in the present moment, but I've been trying for years to even begin to like myself, and absolutely nothing has worked. I just find myself trapped in front of the mirror, picking myself apart, despising myself until I'm in tears. I don't want it to be this way - that's one of the most frustrating parts about it. If loving myself were simply a choice, I would choose it in a heartbeat. But it doesn't work like that. I have to do a hell of a lot of work to even start to not hate myself, and that's not even close to loving myself.

But I can't help but believe that if I were thin and fit, I wouldn't hate myself the way I do now. I don't need to be some sort of super slim model, but I don't want to stick out like a sore thumb in the sea of thin, beautiful girls. I hate it. I hate going out in public and comparing myself to every girl I see, screaming at myself, reminding myself how ugly and incompetent I am. It's awful, it's so awful.

In many ways I am on my way to self-love, as I am truly doing a lot to try and help myself. I'm starting to do yoga again, which I love, I'm going for more walks, I'm eating good food, I'm self-soothing and being kinder to myself, I'm working hard in therapy, I'm not self-harming or restricting anymore -- there's a lot of good in all of this bad. But despite all of this work, I continue to despise this body I'm trapped inside of. I feel like the way I look doesn't reflect who I am at all. I'm bald when I used to have long, gorgeous curls, I'm chubby when I used to be slimmer, I'm not as muscular and strong as I used to be--I'm trapped inside of this body and I can't get out. I'm hoping that with my work with the nutritionist I'll be able to lose some weight and things will get better. I'm praying for that. If I can just use a pound a week, for the next few months I'll be happy. I'm willing to do the work, I just need some sort of guideline. Give me a workout plan and I'll do it. I just have a lot of trouble getting myself to do these things for myself. I can do it for other people, but I'm just so embarrassed of who I am I feel like I can't do it for myself. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's how I feel.

I don't want to be in this wretched body anymore. I don't think I can stand it. This is a really negative post, but it's honest. I/'m panicking over the fact that I'm trapped inside this body and I can't get out. It feels like nothing will ever get better in this respect. I've hated myself for the majority of my life, who's to say that it's ever going to change?