So I had the appointment with the nutritionist, and it actually wasn't too terrible. It was only a half hour long, so there wasn't any in depth discussion, but she seems really supportive and willing to help me, which is a good sign. We didn't have enough time to discuss a meal plan, but we did outline a little mini guide of what to eat in the interim until I see her again. She agreed to let me stay vegan for now because it's what I'm most comfortable with, and our first goal is to just get me eating normally again.
If I'm honest, I thought that eating more wouldn't be that hard. I do truly like food, and I like trying new things. But the emotions that come with eating are pretty severe. This morning I was panicking over what to have for breakfast, so I had a glass of mango Naked instead. I packed some strawberries, chips, and guac for lunch, and it was hard. I eat in the guidance office so there's not a lot of people, but I only really felt comfortable eating the strawberries. The chips and guac were a bit too terrifying for me. Then after school I had a tiny snack bowl of peanut butter filled pretzels and a banana. It's a perfectly okay snack, especially since I didn't eat too much earlier in the day. I didn't have any trouble eating it, but afterwards I just felt awful. My stomach felt overly full and enormous, and I felt like I had gained 10 pounds and ruined any progress towards losing weight that I had. Looking back, it's a little bit disjointed. My reaction didn't really fit the amount of food I ate, but it was still quite difficult. Tonight I'm having a baked sweet potato topped with some rice and vegetables. I'm rather nervous, if I'm honest. I feel like I'm having so much food today, and it's hard to get used to.
Another not so good thing happened the other day. I relapsed and cut again. It was Wednesday night and I had just eaten a full meal. I couldn't cope. I didn't know what to do about all the food I had eaten, and I was so incredibly furious with myself. So I ruined my clean streak and self harmed. I'm disappointed in myself, and frustrated that it was caused by FOOD, something my body NEEDS. I've been struggling with self harm for well over a year now, and it's quite discouraging that I'm still relapsing after all this time.
I don't want to keep restricting, but I also don't really want to eat. I'm kind of stuck, in that regard. I know that restricting slows down your metabolism, and I'm scared that mine is too low and now the food I'm eating is giving me too much energy and causing more fat.
I dunno, I just really wish I could eat a meal (or even a snack) without any emotional trauma. It's really really frustrating. I've struggled with food for the past seven or so years, maybe more, and I am just so done with all of the mental pain it causes me. I just want to eat like a normal person, without there being any deep thinking or horrible consequences associated with it. So that's why I'm trying to recover, I suppose. But I still want to lose a lot of weight, and my mind is telling me that restricting is the way to go. It's such a constant battle in my mind, and it's quite exhausting.
Above is a picture of Thursday's breakfast, and below is Thursday's dinner. Have a lovely night, petals.
I admire your strength; being so open during this time of recovery isn’t easy. Though some days it will feel like you aren’t making much progress, it’s important to keep going and trying, because you are in the right direction. I hope your nutritionists help you develop a meal plan that you are comfortable with.
ReplyDelete