Update

So things have been tough lately, to say the least. My eating disorder has taken control of me in a way I didn't know was possible, and it's making me feel completely miserable. I've been restricting pretty badly, and when I eat anything - a boost, a pretzel, a strawberry, it doesn't matter - I feel massively guilty and am full of such a toxic self hatred that is hard to deal with. Then come the urges to self harm and purge, which are also difficult to deal with.
And as the past couple days have showed me, my eating disorder is starting to make me crack. I'm having a lot of trouble keeping it together, and things are feeling eerily similar to times right before hospitalizations in the past. That stresses me out like you wouldn't believe. I can't stress how much I do not want to go inpatient. I don't think I need to, but it still scares me so much. I don't want to do an IOP or day program either. I just want to be normal. I want to be able to handle things like a normal person, I want to be worrying about boys and prom rather than my eating disorder and other issues.
My anxiety has been through the roof lately, and this morning it was exceedingly hard to get out of bed. The thought of facing the world terrified me. Somehow I got to school, and I spent the first two periods in guidance, listening to my Calm app and trying not to have a panic attack. Not fun. I don't want my anxiety to severely cripple me again, but I don't know how to stop it.
I think I need to be more proactive with coping skills, so this week I'm gonna go out to Michaels and buy some art supplies. I'm going to get a big pack of colored pencils for mandalas, some watercolors to see if it'll be soothing, and some henna. I think henna will be a really good self harm substitute. I'll create beautiful designs on the places where I want to self harm, and hopefully it'll keep me occupied and prevent me from harming myself. I also have a huge obsession with henna (and Indian/middle eastern culture - I always say that I need to marry an Indian man so I can have the gorgeous wedding festivities and clothes. Also, Indian men are hot. Have you seen their beards?), so hopefully I'll have fun with this. The watercolors are a shot in the dark, I've never been good with painting, but we'll see.
I'm going to try and work on occupying myself with these coping skills instead of spending time online. I find myself looking for fashion pictures with skinny girls as "motivation" and eventually I just make myself so upset. I also spend way too much time on YouTube - it's an addiction. So once I've beefed up my coping skills hopefully I'll spend my time on those instead. It's so much more positive to create something beautiful anyway. And once it's warm I can combine them and do art outside in the grass, or go to the hiking trails and paint by the water. Being outside brings me so much peace, and I hope to be spending much more time out there from this point forward.
So yeah. That's a little summary about how things have been and my general plans. See ya later skater.