Reasons to Recover

As I discussed in my last post, at times relapse can be very tempting, and I forget why I am even recovering in the first place. So to help remind myself, here is a list of my reasons to recover.

• So I can be strong. When I'm restricting, heavily depressed, or overly anxious, my body is completely out of whack. I don't exercise, and I feel sluggish, weak and awful. I don't want to feel so uncomfortable in my body. I want to become confident enough to truly invest in my body and in my health. I want to be able to exercise freely without my mind getting in the way. Being strong and muscular makes me more confident, and I want to gain that confidence back. I want to learn to do handstands and arm balances, and really push myself physically. I want to have endurance and flexibility and power. I want to rock climb and hike and swim and explore the outdoors without my body holding me back. I can't do this if I'm restricting, hospitalized, or miserable.
• So I can spend time with others. When I am deep into my insecurities, I can't really be around people. I'm too jealous and self conscious, and my thinking is so disordered that I'm just miserable around other people. I want to be okay with opening myself up to others, and I want to spend time with friends like a normal teenager. I want to go to social events where there is food or a pool without freaking out and feeling horrible. I want to let myself have friends and have fun for once.
• So I can pursue the things I love. I have so many dreams, but when I'm deep into my illnesses, they disappear. I feel hopeless, and believe that I'm not going anywhere in my life. But in reality, there are so many things I want to do! I want to travel the world, exploring and finding beauty and encountering different people and cultures. I want to volunteer in third world countries and help people (especially women) who are less fortunate than myself. I want to work at rape clinics and medical centers and provide people with the care that they need. I want to fight the stigma against mental health, and work towards getting people the care they need no matter where they live in the world. I want to volunteer at psychiatric hospitals and tell people like me that there is hope, that they can get out of there and pursue their dreams. I want to do so much, and in order to do that, I need to recover first.
• To have a family. I want to fall in love, and eventually settle down and have kids. I want a little house on a big property with three dogs, some chickens, and maybe a few goats. I want to bring my children with me to places like Haiti so they can see that there are people in this world that need their help. I want to bring them to Switzerland to gaze in awe at the mountains and Australia to see animals they've only dreamed of. I want to go to my kids' graduation, and hold my grandchildren. I want to spend the majority of my life with someone I love, bound together by marriage. So I need to recover, so I can provide for my family and let myself fall in love.
• For food. I want to be able to love food and nourish myself without guilt and pain. I want to go out to eat at restaurants and go to dinner parties and have dessert and feel comfortable around food. I don't want to stress out before going to an event because I know there's going to be food there. I want to be able to overeat without wanting to hurt myself. I want to be able to under eat without wanting to keep going. I want to have pasta and pizza and ice cream and chocolate and just feel good.
• For confidence. I want to wear a bathing suit someday without hating myself. I want to look in the mirror and smile. I want to approach someone and talk to them without fear. I don't want to dread the summer. I want to wear clothes that make me feel beautiful. I don't want to care about every stretch mark and awkward feature. I want to know what it's like to feel comfortable in my own skin.
• To put positive energy out into the world. I want to be a positive person. I want to be like Rachel Brathen or Jen Converso, spreading light and love throughout the world. I want to make the world a better place. I want to summon a smile in a second, and radiate love and joy in everything I do. I want to run to the hilltops and spin and smile and soak in the sunlight. I want to be so happy that I make others happy just by being around them.
• To be a yoga teacher. Yoga is so important to me, and it's something I want to share with other people. In order to become a yoga teacher, I'll have to keep eating so that I'm strong enough, and I'll need to gain the confidence to be able to be in front of a whole class and feel comfortable. It's a huge recovery goal.
• To love myself. I've spent my entire life consumed with self hatred. I don't even know what self love is, but I'd like to learn. It's got to be better than despising yourself day after day.
• So I can start saying yes to things. I don't want my mental health issues to be holding me back for the rest of my life. I want to be free. I want to say yes to opportunities that come my way, regardless of any anxiety I have towards it. I want to take each day as it comes, and stop living in fear. I want to do things that scare me, overcome my fears, and start living wildly.
• To watch the scars fade.
• To be able to look back and be proud I never gave up. I'm doing a hell of a lot of work right now to try and recover, and someday, when I'm happy and content, I want to look back on these days and thank myself for keeping going and never giving up.
• To share my story. I want to connect to other people struggling with mental illness and share my experience and struggles. I want to help someone else who is where I am now, and show them that recovery is possible, and that things get better.
• To be one year clean of self harm! This is a huge goal, and it's one I'm working hard towards. The longest I've gone is around three months, but I'm determined to kick this addiction to the curb.
• To go to the beach. Someday, I want to go to the beach and enjoy myself. I want to wear a bathing suit -- heck, even a bikini, and not want to cry or run away. I want to sit down and let my fat roll without covering it up with a towel. I want to run and play despite everything that jiggles. I want to lay out and tan because it feels good. I want to let people take pictures of me without running away and covering my face. I don't want to keep dreading the summertime.
• To be independent.
• For ice cream. For cookie butter. For chocolate. For nutella. For cereal! Cereal is a huge trigger for me, and someday I want to eat a bowl of special K red berry and smile.
• To go off my medications. I don't know if I'll ever be off my meds completely, especially since I'm on quite a few. But someday I'd like to go to bed without having to pop nine pills every night.
• So I can compliment myself and actually mean it. So I can accept compliments from others and actually believe it.
• So I can bake/make all sorts of vegan treats and feel good about it. I love baking, and I miss it. I'll still bake every now and again, but it's tainted with guilt and shame. I want to go back to the mindset when I was 8 years old and baking cookies. I want to be excited about what I'm making, and not feel out of control. I want to eat the treats and feel happy, but not go overboard and binge. I want it to be a positive experience.
• To be stronger than my thoughts and urges.
• To beat trichotillomania, and have long hair again.
• To be able to go to college and do well on my own. Right now, I'm right on the path to be able to do okay in college. But I wasn't always like that. Just several months ago I was in such a bad place that if I didn't get better, college would've been out of the question. I want to keep up the good work and eventually gain that independence.
• To feel confident about the future. Although I'm more optimistic than I used to be, often times when I look to the future I see nothing but darkness. I want to get rid of that toxic feeling and see light in the future.

There's definitely a lot more reasons than these, but these are a few big reasons to recover. I think maybe I'll make a part II to this that will be shorter, less elaborative reasons. So tell me, what are your reasons to recover? Share them with me in the comments.