So Much Fear

So my mom sat me down yesterday to talk about my eating. I feel like my parents do this often, and it always makes me really really uncomfortable. But this time it wasn't just an awkward open conversation. She had a proposal for me, if you will. She knows that being in eating disorder programs with other girls is really triggering for me, and I'm pretty sure that neither of us want me to go to a day program, so she gave me the option of seeing a nutritionist first. If that doesn't work or I'm noncompliant we'll look into a PHP or IOP.
Now, I have a pretty bad history with nutritionists. It's like the dentist for some people - they scare the life out of me. If I had it my way I would never ever see a nutritionist/dietitian. I want to avoid them like the plague. I've had two pretty bad experiences with eating disorder specialists. One was when I was at a residential over the summer. I was in the eating disorder (EDO) program at the hospital, and it was absolutely awful. It wasn't even the other girls that were super triggering. I just hated the way the whole group was run. I was made to feel guilty for having snacks outside of my meal plan, most of the EDO staff were anything but warm and fuzzy - it was a bad experience. If I'm honest, I think they made things worse. Another thing that bothered me about that program is that every single EDO staff member was extremely skinny. And that's not an exaggeration. They were very thin to the point that I questioned some of their health, which for me was quite triggering. It's hard when someone who is stick thin is telling you that you need to eat more/less. It felt like they were being hypocritical.
I had another bad experience with a nutritionist this past fall, although it wasn't as dramatic as over the summer. Anyway, the point is that I generally do not trust nutritionists/dietitians/people who specialize in eating disorders. Perhaps that's narrow-minded, but it's how I feel.
My next point - veganism.
Being a vegan is something that's very close to my heart.  I believe in the vegan lifestyle very strongly and am fairly repulsed by the thought of eating animal products. Being vegan is a part of me - a part of me that I actually like. And unfortunately, I am 99% sure that the nutritionist will not allow me to continue a vegan lifestyle. And my parents are on the side of the nutritionist. If she tells me I need to eat eggs, they're gonna try to make me eat eggs. And that absolutely sucks. You can get ALL of the nutrients and good things you need through a vegan diet, no problem. Nutritionists don't care, they just brush it aside because they think it's a form of restricting. Guess what, it's not. I became vegan because I don't want to support the abuse, exploitation, and murder of innocent animals. I didn't do it so that I could limit my calories. And the restricting I'm doing now has nothing to do with me being a vegan. It's because I have an eating disorder, not because I choose to love animals rather than slaughter them.
But I have agreed to see the nutritionist. I know I need to. My ed is slowing tearing my life into shreds, and I can't let it continue.
So what will I do about the veganism? I have already told my mother that the only way I will eat eggs is if we get them locally at a farm or household I trust. I have worked with chickens before, and they can have wonderful lives if they are treated right. They are not just for eggs, they're animals before they're food, and I had no problems collecting their eggs and giving them to others, because I know that there was no abuse involved. As much as I'd prefer not to eat boiled chicken menstruation, I know that I will have to come to some sort of compromise with the nutritionist. So that is where I can allow a little bit of leeway.
But at milk/dairy, I draw the line. I cannot honestly justify what goes on in the dairy industry. I cannot support an industry that forcibly impregnates an innocent creature only to take their child away from them seconds after birth. That child is then tied to a post in order to ensure that they do not grow any leg muscles. Cows have a very strong mother-calf relationship, so this poor newborn calf spends four months crying for their mother, in agnoy, before their life is brought to a bitter end for the sake of veal. The mother who lost her child is carted away and hooked up to a machine where she can hardly move. She is fed with unnatural foods. She should be eating grass, but they force her to eat corn or hay so that they can fatten her up. She lives a life without ever seeing the sun again, crying for her child as a machine squeezes her udders and cause her pain. Sometimes they even drill a hole in the side of the cow so that they can shovel the food in, since it's not natural for the cows to eat them on their own. Seeing any red flags? 

This is only a sliver of the atrocities that exist in the meat/dairy industry. Humans seem to forget that animals feel pain, that animals have emotions. There is little evidence that their pain spectrum is any less severe than ours. If someone were to try and kill a human by slitting their throat or zapping them with a electroshock wand, that person would be locked up for life. Yet we do it to innocent creatures every single day. Just because animals can't fight back or defend themselves doesn't mean that we should torture them. And for what? For you to enjoy that hamburger of yours? So that you can put extra butter on your toast? It's a horrible, sick industry, and I do not feel comfortable supporting it. So many people turn a blind eye. There's a quote that goes something like "if slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be vegetarian." And I believe that's true. It will take a lot for my nutritionist to convince me that eating dairy is okay. Who knows, maybe she will change my mind. But if she gets to inform me about how she's "right" about food, I get to inform her about everything that's wrong with the animal byproduct industry. If she can go home and watch Earthlings and Forks Over Knifes and still come back and tell me to eat cheese, then I will realize that she has a heartless element to her, and I will feel bad. But no good, self respecting person would be able to watch Earthlings while eating a steak. If you don't know what I'm talking about, click here to watch the documentary, Earthlings. It exposes everything we've been taught to shove under the rug. I'm not saying you have to be vegan after watching it, but it should give you some insight as to what you're really supporting when you're scanning the meat aisle at the grocery store.
Okay, sorry for the rant. It was unintended, I swear. I tend to keep my thoughts about veganism to myself, because people love to attack you when you say you're a vegan, but I needed to get that out.
So, moral of the story.
I have agreed to see a nutritionist. I want to fight it tooth and nail, but my desire to stay out of an IOP is motivation for me to at least try to trust them and go along with their plan. I am by no means happy about this, but it has to happen. I can agree to eggs, but not dairy. Not yet anyway. She might require me to eat dairy, which would kill me, but I'm going to listen to her. As much as I don't want to, I will. Wise mind? Maybe. But I'm definitely reluctant.
Goodbye my petals, I'll see you in the next one.

Mental Health as Adjectives

"Aw man, I'm out of breath, I feel so lung cancer today."

 

"I need sugar to wake me up, my diabetes is so bad."

 

"Look at that bruise, it's like you have leukemia."

 

"I can't remember, my Alzheimer's is flaring up today."

 

"Ugh, I'm so nauseous, it's like I'm on chemo."

 

Okay, hold up. Who in their right mind would say these sort of things if they don't personally suffer from the illness themselves? No one would use serious illnesses as adjectives, right? Wrong. It's something we've all done, and it's commonplace in our society. But it's not about diabetes or cancer. For some reason it's okay to use serious, debilitating illnesses as adjectives as long as they're mental illnesses. Let's see it again:

 

"I need to have the volume on an even number, I'm so OCD."

 

"Ugh, my mom keeps yelling at me, she is SO bipolar."

 

"Man, I failed that civics quiz. I feel so depressed."

 

"Wow, you scared me, I almost had a panic attack!"

 

"What the hell, you're psychotic!"

 

And that's only a few, there are so many more. I hear these every single day, and it frustrates me so much.

 

"I couldn't fall asleep until 2am last night. My insomnia is so bad."

 

"Gosh, that's so retarded!"

 

"That dress makes you look so anorexic!"

"Man, I need to clean my room, my OCD is getting really bad."

 

I think we get the point. It's very likely that we've all done this throughout our lifetime. Before I started treatment for mental health issues, I was a contender for this as well. I remember talking to a teammate about one of my coaches a few years ago, and I was complaining that she was "so bipolar." And these types of statements are completely accepted by society, while careless statements about physical illnesses, like cancer, are labeled as out of line.

 

There are a few reasons why this phenomenon bothers me. First is the stigma. Mental illnesses are more serious and important than most people know, and yet there is so much stigma around it. The stigma surrounding mental health prevents so many people from reaching out and getting help, which contributes to the amount of people who commit suicide every year. Using mental illnesses as adjectives trivializes them. If they're used as emotions that people experience on a daily basis, no one will realize how serious mental illnesses actually are. Stigma is hard enough to defeat anyway, and these types of phrases do not help.

 

Another thing that sucks about these statements is when someone with a mental illness overhears them. For example, the OCD references. I have met a lot of people with obsessive compulsive disorder throughout treatment, and it is a hellish, awful condition to deal with. It can be debilitating, it controls a person's every action, and it can make a person's life absolutely miserable. So when they hear someone talking about how they're "so ocd," can you imagine how trivializing that is? To hear something that you struggle with daily compressed into something as small as wanting a picture frame straight or your books in alphabetical order is so frustrating. This goes for other illnesses as well. When I hear people mentioning panic attacks or self harm behaviors in a casual or joking way, it makes me cringe. I know how horrible and debilitating these things are - I suffer from them myself. Hearing people talk about them as if they're nothing is really frustrating. How are we supposed to inform others on mental illness if people's only perception of mental health is either trivialized or completely misunderstood?

 

I hope that, as time goes on and people become more educated, these phrases will start to dissolve from our vocabulary. But only time will tell.