So I've been aware that I suffer from panic attacks for a little over a year now. But if I really look back, I've been experiencing panic attacks/panic attack like symptoms, for years. Like, since elementary school. It's been a long time. My panic disorder was at its worse for the first six months of 2014. I can't even begin to describe how bad it was. It got to the point where I was having around 10 panic attacks a day, all of which were so severe that I could not leave my room. And that lasted for a fairly long time. There are chunks of 2014 that I simply don't remember because my panic attacks got so bad. It was hell. I was scared to leave my room -- heck, I was scared to leave my bed -- because I was worried that I would have a panic attack. Everywhere I went I would have one, and I mean everywhere. School, grocery stores (it was really bad at grocery stores), movie theatres, the mall--literally everywhere I went I had one. And it crippled me like you wouldn't believe.
My panic attacks vary in severity. A light, mild panic attack usually goes as follows: feeling lightheaded, heart beating very quickly, breathing heavy/unable to catch my breath, feeling very claustrophobic, heightened senses, inability to talk easily, bulging eyes, etc. These mild panic attacks don't usually last very long. It's hard to tell time during a panic, but they usually lasted anywhere from 2-10 or so minutes. For some people, this is awful. And it is. But when I have mild panic attacks I often feel grateful, or I'll laugh afterwards, because I'm just so happy that I didn't have a severe panic attack. Because when they're severe, they're absolutely awful. Here's a vague idea of what my more severe panic attacks are like: racing heartbeat; hyperventilation; inability to easily control my limbs; intense shaking; limbs moving and contorting uncontrollably; muscles seizing/tensing; crying/screaming; repeating a certain phrase over and over, unable to stop; throat tightening; feeling very disoriented; feeling like the world is closing in all around you; feeling very hot or very cold; body aching all over--the point is, they're terrible. After I have one of these big ones I'm usually so incredibly exhausted that I can't do much more than sleep. It's hard to talk, hard to move, hard to do pretty much anything after one of these. And here's the best part (not): they often happen consecutively. As if a 20 minute unbearable panic attack wasn't enough, they will happen one after another. This hasn't happened that much recently, but I would calm down just enough to stop shaking and feel exhausted before another one would hit me right after. The word horrible just doesn't cover it. So hopefully that little description gave you a little insight as to how awful panic attacks can be. It feels like you're dying--and I mean that literally. During the really bad times, I would pray during my panic attacks that it would just kill me and be done with it. Luckily, it's very rare that you would die of a panic attack, unless you maybe had one in the wrong place and fell off a cliff or something, so rest assured that it can't kill you. Oh, another "type" of panic attack I would have is when I was in public, like in a store, and I felt a strong one coming on, I would do everything I possibly could to resist it, and because of that I would literally collapse. I wouldn't be able to hold myself up, talk, or sometimes open my eyes. That happened a lot last spring when I would go grocery shopping with my mom, and she'd have to hold me up as I leaned against the cart--it was embarrassing and frustrating, but I haven't experienced that in months.
Anyway, there's a reason I'm telling you all about my panic attacks. So around October time I accepted that I might have panic attacks for the rest of my life. I accepted that they would happen, that I can't control them, and that I'll just have to live with them. And once I accepted that, my panic attacks got immeasurably better. I would have one a week, and sometimes even less than that. It was amazing. And the very severe panic attacks I discussed earlier were not nearly as frequent. They soon became few and far between. I can't tell you how great that was. A long while ago, when my panic attacks became more and more frequent, and I eventually had them about once a week, I was devastated, and felt handicapped. Now, I feel free. Or I did.
This past week, I've had several panic attacks. A couple of them were mild and easy, and I would get over them by myself in my room, and it wasn't a big deal. But I've had two enormous, awful panic attacks in the past week. The first one was on Wednesday, Feb. 4th. And it scared me. It had been over a month since I had a serious one, my last severe panic attack up to that date was on Christmas (of all days). I was on a good streak, and I think the combination of the panic attack and the anxiety over school this week combined, and I was scared. The next night I found it very difficult to fall asleep because I was just so terrified of having another panic attack. I just curled up in a ball in my bed, shaking in fear of having a panic attack. Now, getting into the cycle of having panic attack after panic attack, every single day requires a key element. Fear. Fear of the next panic attack, avoiding going certain places or doing certain things in fear of having another panic--this is what makes panic attacks so debilitating. So not only was I scared of having a panic attack, I was scared about the fact that I was scared of having another panic attack. Because I knew that that fear has the power to make my life so much worse. My fear persisted through Friday (yesterday), and sure enough, last night I had another terrible panic attack. It was bad, and it got to the point where my mom had to physically restrain me to stop me from hitting myself or hurting myself, simply because I couldn't control my limbs. Not cute, I know. So having another awful panic attack within a two day radius of the last one did not help my anxieties. In fact, I'm sitting here tearing out my hair between sentences because of it.
I know that I need to get rid of my fear of having a panic attack. I know that acceptance is what makes them go away, and that the "I don't want to do X because I might have one" mentality is only going to get me in trouble. But I'm still worrying about it. I'm still fretting about school and having one there. And I'm not really sure what to do.
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