Bad Thoughts

||trigger warning||

I am currently blogging to make sure that I don't do anything bad.

Today we had pizza for dinner, so I had a pizza with no cheese, mushrooms, onions, basil, and peppers. It was okay. I also had a San Pellegrino, which filled up my stomach. I was upset and crying over eating that for dinner because it felt so unhealthy. Then I had a "fuck it you're beautiful" moment in which I decided to eat a couple oreos (which are vegan by the way). Carrying the oreos up to my room I felt victorious. It was the serving size amount, I was feeling good, I was feeling excited. Then I ate the oreos. And now I feel like ripping out my hair, purging, and self harming. Not the aftermath I was planning. Since I'm typing, my hands are busy, and my mind is occupied. So I'm just going to keep typing until these urges stop.

I wish I could just enjoy a treat every now and again like a normal person. It took so much fricking strength to eat a few mini oreos and this is the result I get? Feeling triggered and awful and wanting to curl up in a ball of tears? Because of a fucking food I ate? I don't want to live like this. I don't want to be overwhelmed with guilt if I eat something that comes from a wrapper instead of a plant. I don't want to cry every time I feel a little too full. I don't want to ruminate constantly on how much I hate myself. I don't want to be miserable because of my body. I'm so so done with it. I'm trying so fucking hard to love myself, I am, and it's not working. I wonder if it'll ever work. I bust my ass every single day in recovery, and this is what I get? A balding head, fingers itching to destroy my well being, thoughts that cripple me and cause me so much pain. I'm so sick and tired of this. I'm so tired of being in recovery. I'm so tired of not being normal. Part of me aches to relapse, to break down and let the illnesses and disorders run the show. It's so tempting. So tempting.

But I can't ruin all of this hard work. I can't. This moment of weakness can't define me. I can't let it. Someday I will eat a fucking treat and get over it. Someday I will eat something without a second thought. Someday I will be confident. But as I type these words I don't believe it. I just want to fucking believe it. I just want things to be simple in my life. I'm so tired of being me. I don't want to live my life like this.

I'm so close to giving up. But I'm so far from giving up too. I'm not fine right now. But I will be. Or so I pray.