Hello there. So as I mentioned previously, this week I made the transition from my therapeutic school back to my local public school! The week leading up to the transition was full of anxieties and worries. I was having panic attacks, crying myself to sleep at times, and I lost a fair amount of hair on the right side of the back of my head, which is really upsetting.
So when it came to the night before, I was a bucket of nerves. I felt a huge panic/nervous breakdown coming on, but somehow I managed to suppress it by going to bed earlier and just trying to block out all of the negative thoughts. I was really anxious the morning I started back at school, and I had a mini meltdown over messing up my makeup (silly, I know), but I made it to school without any other problems.
The day was overwhelming, but a huge success. It was so weird being back in the school since it's been almost a year since I was attending full time. It was almost like I stepped into a time capsule, and it felt in some ways like no time had passed since I was last there, which was both comforting and unsettling at the same time. It was a long day, as there was a lot more packed into the day than at therapeutic school, and I felt like there were a thousand things I had to think about. The day flew by, and before I knew it I was home again. Once I got home I did have a little breakdown, because I was so overwhelmed and I felt assaulted by all of the different emotions I was feeling at the same time. I'm not going to list them here, as I'll probably get upset just writing about it. However, I achieved my biggest goal, which was to get through the school day without a panic attack. And for that I am immensely proud. So that's all I'm going to write about school today, I'll do another post that's much more in depth. Changing topics now...
Trichotillomania. I don't think anyone can truly understand the emotional agony of this condition unless you've been through it yourself. For me trich ebbs and flows in waves over time. I'll have periods where I don't struggle too much with pulling, it doesn't occupy my every second, I'm pretty much good if I have a tangle or a fidget toy within reach. But then there's the awful periods where you're losing tons of hair, your fingers ache to go to your scalp, you can practically feel the hairs on your head that you need to get out. You pull when you don't realize it, and you feel consumed with frustration and anger that you can't stop, no matter how hard you try. This is also followed with an increase in both my anxiety and depression, which makes things worse. Not to mention what trich does to your self esteem.
I fully believe that acceptance is the route to dealing with many disorders, trichotillomania in particular. Sometimes I'm okay with acceptance, but right now I am far from accepting. I torture myself by looking through older photos when my hair was long and curly, or watching hair tutorials on YouTube. I look in the mirror and burst into tears because I just don't feel myself. I'm fully aware that acceptance is a key component to reducing pulling, but right now I'm really struggling.
My self harm urges have also been coming back in the past couple weeks. I'm over two months clean, but they're starting to affect me again. It mostly has to do with my awful self image and my trichotillomania. I crave the way it feels, the way it looks, how it makes me feel, which is awful. And I'm so frustrated with trich right now that I'm inclined to start self harming again, as it generally alleviates the severity of my pulling. I'm fighting the urges, I don't ever want to cut again. It's addicting, and once I start it's hard to stop. It's just been quite tempting as of late.
This has been a bit of an unorganized ramble, hopefully my next entry will be a bit better crafted. Goodnight world.
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