Jealousy

Jealousy is not an attractive quality by any stretch of the imagination, but it's a real one. It's something that most humans feel every single day, so I think it should be talked about as much as any other emotion. I think it's important to say that jealousy and envy do not automatically make someone ungrateful for what they have. Someone might be jealous that their sister can run faster than them, but it doesn't mean that they're not grateful that they have legs.

Jealousy is a big part of mental illness/recovery for many people, including myself. It can be especially intense if you suffer from body dismorphia or an eating disorder, although it's certainly not limited to those two illnesses.

For me, the jealousy can get so intense sometimes that it debilitates me. I will sometimes feel so awful about my body that I can't bear looking at all of the other gorgeous people in the world, so I'll stay burrowed in my bedroom. It's even gotten to the point where I can't stand being around my younger sister, because she's so slender and beautiful. I know that's awful, but it's true. Jealousy is a really frustrating emotion, and I think we would all get rid of it if we could.

When you're really struggling in your life, whether it's because of mental illness or other misfortunes, you often can't help but look at others' lives with longing. When your life feels so unbearable, the idea of slipping into someone else's life is so attractive. I know that when my illnesses started getting really bad, I felt like my life just stopped. Everything came to a screeching halt, and I was just stuck. And when I realized that everyone else's lives kept moving, it hurt. To know that others can just keep going when you're paralyzed is a horrible feeling. You can't help but look at other people who you believe have it "better" than you and just feel this overwhelming frustration and sadness. Then come the "whats and the whys." Why does she get to be so skinny without ever working out? What did I do to deserve this? Why can't I be as pretty as her? Why do I have to be the one who suffers? Why does she get to have long hair and a great body when I'm stuck like this? The list is endless, and being stuck in this state of mind is a dangerous thing.

One area in which I really struggle is trichotillomania. The majority of the people in the world have hair, and it can sometimes feel like they're taunting me with their luscious locks when I have none. It particularly bothers me when I see girls with long curly hair, because that's what I used to look like, that's what I should look like, and I don't. When I see straight, thin hair it doesn't bother me as much because my hair was never straight or thin. But show me some curls, and my heart just aches.

I know that this is not an attractive quality, but it's something that a lot of people feel, and I know I'm not alone in this. Below is a video by my absolute favorite YouTuber, Rebecca Brown, known as Beckie0 on the internet. She suffers from trichotillomania and depression as well, and her video reflects how I feel in many ways. The only part I don't agree with is when she says that other people cutting of their hair can frustrate her. I totally understand why that would bother some trichsters, but for me when I see women, especially influential women, with short hair, it emphasizes that you don't need long hair to be feminine and beautiful, and it makes me feel less of an outsider. Anyway, please take a minute to watch her video if you can, and pop on over to her trichotillomania channel, TrichJournal, for more trichotillomania goodness.