Things NOT to say to People with Trichotillomania

Trichotillomania is a very complex disorder. So complex in fact, that it's very difficult to describe to someone who doesn't have it. Many people who have trich or work with it even disagree on what it is. Some say it's an impulse control disorder that is on the Obessive Compulsive Disorder spectrum. The latest DSM definition (I believe) is that it is a Body Focused Repetative Behavior, or a BFRB. However, this is highly debated as well, and I don't particularly agree with it. It's so hard to classify even in the mental health world, so it's extremely hard to describe to, say, a random citizen on the street.

Here's my quick overview: Trichotillomania is a disorder in which the afflicted has the intense and sometimes uncontrollable urge or compulsion to tear out their hair, resulting in bald patches. People who have trichotillomania (often referred to as "trichsters") pull from a variety of different spots. Trichsters might pull from their scalp, their eyebrows, their eyelashes, their pubic hair, facial hair, and any other body hair. Trich is more common in women than men, and usually surfaces in a person's life when they are 9-12 years old. Often times people pull their hair unconciously, and they don't even know they're doing it It's often a lifelong condition that is very hard to recover from or cure. There is very little research done on this disorder, despite the fact that it affects up to 4% of the population. Trichotillomania is very highly stigmatized, and trichsters often suffer from a lot of emotional damage and distress as a result of trichotillomania.

Trichsters already suffer enough already, and ignorant/rude comments from other people only make things worse. So here is my list of things NOT to say to people with trichotillomania.

Why can't you just stop?

Don't you think we would if we could? No one with trichotillomania wants to pull out their hair and have massive bald patches, but it's something we often can't control. The urge to pull out one's hair is often so strong and difficult to resist that some trichsters resort to physically restraining themselves (tying thier hands to chairs/tables, etc) just to try and stop the pulling. And that doesn't always work. We try hard to "just stop," but it's like telling someone with depression to "cheer up," someone with anxiety to "calm down," or someone with an eating disorder to "just eat." It isn't that easy, although we wish it were. So telling us to "just stop" is showing how little you know about trich, and reminding the trichster of their failure to stop pulling.

Don't you realize that you're doing it to yourself?

This is one of the worst things that you can say to someone with trich. Yes, it's our hands that are grasping onto the hairs and pulling, but we would do anything to be able to stop. Placing the blame on the person, and not the disorder is like telling someone with cancer that it's their fault. It just doesn't make sense.

Have you tried sitting on your hands?

This one just makes me laugh sometimes. Trichsters try absolutely everything to stop pulling, and most of us can't stop it. Some of us (including myself) are on medication to help stop the pulling. We use tangle toys, we put band-aids on our fingers, we wear wigs and hats--we do everything we can to stop this horrible addiction, so yes, we've tried sitting on our hands. Again, this minimizes how difficult this disorder is. If sitting on our hands cured trich, we'd all do it.

You know one day your hair just won't grow back.

This is a terrifying idea to anyone, not just people with trich. Hair is often really important to us, and having a full head of hair is the ultimate goal for a lot of people with trichotillomania. So telling someone that, despite all their efforts to stop pulling, they will lose all their hair anyway is so frightening. It adds more fear, guilt, and shame to the situation, and is really not necessary. The scare tactic works for plenty of things, but this isn't one of them.

Doesn't it hurt?

Now, this is a pretty common question, and I don't think it's a rude one either. But it's something that trichsters hear really often concerning their condition. I won't speak for everyone with trich, but no, it doesn't usually hurt.

You won't be happy until you're bald.

Being bald will not make us happy, I promise you. Yes, I and many trichsters have gotten to the point where we have had to shave all of our hair off. Does it make us feel better? Absolutely not. This is just another one of those comments that are just not necessary.

Ew, that's so gross/disgusting/unhygienic.

I get that it may seem gross in your eyes, but please just keep it to yourself. This is just something that will not help the situation in any way shape or form.

You're looking for attention.

What? No! This goes for every single mental illness--we're not seeking attention! This disorder is something that causes so much distress and pain, and can even lead to bigger problems, like depression or other mental health conditions. Why on earth would anyone pull out their hair so that people would pay attention to them? I've been accused of this before and it hurts, a lot. This goes for self harm as well. If you see someone's scars or hear that they self harm, don't accuse them of being an attention seeker. Someone has to go through a lot of pain to do these things, and it is a serious issue, whether it's attention seeking or not.

You're getting hair everywhere, it's so disgusting, you have to stop pulling or you'll be in serious trouble.

Parents, please please try not to complain too much about the hair. Make your child clean it up, sure, but try not to make them feel awful in the process.

You're a freak.

Believe me, we often feel like freaks without you telling us. Remember, words hurt.

What on earth happened to your eyebrows?

Right now having perfect eyebrows is a bit of a trend, and believe me, the trichster knows what their eyebrows look like. Don't shame them for drawing on their eyebrows, for not having any at all, or for having patchy brows. They know what it's looks like, they don't need more attention.

No one wants a bald girlfriend.

I can't tell you how much pain this comment causes. You might be trying to motivate someone not to pull, but instead you're telling them that they're undesirable and inadequite. That's just wrong.

Are you a boy or a girl?

Honestly, who asks this? I don't care if you're on the internet or in person, do not ask someone this, it generally makes one or both of you feel really awkward or upset .

It's just hair.

Yes, it's just hair. It's also something that causes a lot of stress and emotional pain. If it's "just hair," then why don't you shave your hair off without feeling anything. Hard, right?

Your hair was so beautiful, why would you do that to yourself?

I miss my hair so so much, and this reminder would probably make me burst into tears.

You have no self control.

Again, very hurtful. Think before you speak.

No one will want to hire you if you look like that.

Thanks for the confidence boost. Now I'm not fit to work because of how my hair looks? How is this statement at all productive? Most trichsters have low enough self esteem as it is, and this statement will just bring someone down so quickly.


There's definitely a lot more, and if you guys can think of any, just leave a comment down below.

A few notes before we go:
I know that a lot of these questions or statements are often said with good intentions, and I'm not saying that you're a terrible person if you say these things. I'm just letting you know how these statements may affect the person you say them to.
Also, this is based off of mine and a few others' experiences with trichotillomania. I can't speak for everyone with this disorder. So if you have trich and you don't feel this way, feel free to let everyone know in the comments.