What If?

It's the eve of my return to public school

And my mind is tangle of anxieties and fears.

The uncertainty taunts me.

My imagination is not useful tonight.

"What ifs" swirl around my head,

A typhoon of "not good enough" "never good enough."

They don't stop, these "what ifs."

They bounce off the walls of my cranium with a dull echo

And they whisper their doubts to me

And as I try to shut them out

Their whispers turn to shouts,

 

What if I can't do this?

What if I made the wrong choice?

 

What if no one wants to talk to me?

 

What if people stare?

 

What if they notice my scars?

 

What if they spot the baldness on my scalp?

 

What if my panic gets the best of me?

 

What if this provokes a relapse?

What if I'm in way over my head?

 

What if everyone has forgotten me?

What if they don't want to remember?

What if I end up right where I was a year ago..

 

Sitting on the dirty floor in a bathroom stall

Unable to breathe

Unable to speak

Limbs shaking

Tears rolling down my cheeks

Heart racing

 

What if nothing has changed in the last twelve months?

 

What if something has?

 

What if I didn't let my fears get the best of me?

What if I thought about the positives too?

What if I have a great day?

What if I see a friend I haven't spoken to in a while?

 

What if I love my teachers?

 

What if I feel comfortable in the school?

 

What if someone compliments my hair?

 

What if someone is happy to see me? 

What if I'm okay?

 

What if I can do this?

 

What if?